Dusk and Summer
by EmoKitten
Summary: Post ‘Loss’, reflections on pre ‘Loss’. AlexOlivia pairing, if you don’t like femslash, then don’t read it.
1. So Long, So Long

_Dusk and Summer _

Disclaimer: I don't own Law and Order: SVU, though I really wish I did…And I don't own Dashboard Confessional, I just love their music.

Summary: Post _'Loss'_, reflections on pre _'Loss'_. If you don't like femslash, don't read it.

Ch. 1 – So Long, So Long

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_"Hand out the window…Floatin' on air…Just a flip of the wrist…And I am wavin' a goodbye…"_

My apartment's never felt so empty. My keys cling against the counter and the sound reverberates throughout the entire space. You would've said something by now. But you're not here.

I just saw you though, I just said "Goodbye". I can't believe it hurts this much. I didn't think it would, I thought knowing you were safe, alive and well would make me feel better…But it doesn't.

It leaves a sour taste in my mouth, and I bite my lip, swallowing coppery blood.

_"…Drive past the lifeguard stand…Where I sit around waiting for you to remember…As I drive…"_

I wish you didn't push yourself so hard, I wish you didn't say that to him, I wish you didn't hold me like you did, I wish you never looked at me like that, I wish you never left some of your things here.

You always said a ghost lived here…Now two ghosts live here Alex.

_"…How the girls could turn to ghosts before your eyes…And the very dreams that led to them are keeping them from dying…And how the grace with which she walked into your life…Will stay with you in your steps…And pace with you a while…So long, so long…So long, so long…"_

I went back to work today, you'd be proud of me. I only let one tear escape me, as I read the headline of the morning's paper. Even though I knew you weren't really gone, the squad still felt so empty without you.

I clipped my badge over my heart, the black band still covering my number, in honor of you. No one said a word about my defiance of strictly cop tradition, most of the squad understood.

_"…The speaker in this door is blown…So nothing sounds quite right…Takin' my time, takin' this drive, wavin' this town goodbye…And I drive this ocean road and remember…The small of your back…And the nape of your neck…I remember everything as I drive, wavin' this town goodbye…"_

When I got home though, I broke down. I played one of the CD's you had left at my place (because you hated the silence my apartment offered) and I cried along with the wailing piano and the raspy saxophone.

I never did like jazz. But it is growing on me; it's one of the few things I have to remind me of you. I remember, I didn't really like you in the beginning either, but you grew on me too.

Now I wear your sweatshirt some nights, because it helps me feel less alone.

_"…How the girls can turn to ghosts before your eyes…And the very dreams that led to them are keeping them from dying…And how the grace with which she walked into your life...Stay with you in your steps…Pace with you a while…So long, so long…So long, so long…So long, so long…"_

After work I walked by your old apartment, and stared up at the window you used to gaze out of. I was half-hoping, half-dreaming that I would see your beautiful blonde head of hair and your smile gazing down at me, waving me up to your apartment.

All I saw was darkness.

_"…So long, so long…Takin' my time, takin' this drive, wavin' this town goodbye…So long, so long…"_

The whole squad knows I'm hurting, some more than others. It hasn't started to affect my job yet, but Don has warned me, but he understands. Elliot understands too.

Elliot takes me out for a drive after work and we end up at an old bridge. I have no idea where we are. Maybe I don't have to know, that's the point.

_"…And I will leave under the cover…Of summer's kiss upon the sky…Like the stone face of your lover…Just before she says goodbye…I was certain that the season could be held between my arms…Well just as summer's hold is fleeting…I was here but now I'm gone…I'm gone…I'm gone, I'm gone…I'm gone…I'm gone…I'm gone…I'm gone, I'm gone…I'm gone…"_

As I sit here I realize something else that I should've known. That no matter where you are Alex, I will be with you. In your mind, in your heart, you'll carry me everywhere.

And no matter where I am, I will have you with me Alex. I will have thoughts of you always in my mind, in my heart, I'll carry you everywhere. I will wear your memory like a badge across my heart, to protect me always.

The memories we have will have to be enough to get us through.

_"…I'm gone…"_

You're not really gone.

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Ok, my first SVU fanfic! (hoots and hollers here) R&R please! (it would be greatly appreciated and it will get you another fic)


	2. Dusk and Summer

_Dusk and Summer _

Disclaimer: I don't own Law and Order: SVU, though I really wish I did…And I don't own Dashboard Confessional, I just love their music.

Summary: Post _'Loss'_, reflections on pre _'Loss'_. If you don't like femslash, don't read it.

Ch. 2 – Dusk and Summer

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_"She smiled in a big way, the way a girl like that smiles…When the world is hers and she held your eyes…Out in the breezeway down by the shore in the lazy summer…And she pulled you in, and she bit your lip, and she made you hers…She looked deep into you as you lay together quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer…"_

I remember, Olivia, I really do. I remember everything. I remember leaving a trial to find you waiting for me; I remember entering the squad room to see you smiling up at me from your desk…Those were your subtle hints. You wanted more.

Then I remember long walks in Central Park, waking up on lazy Sunday mornings with you in my arms, I remember…Oh, do I remember…

_"…But you've already lost…But you've already lost…But you've already lost…When you only had barely enough to hang on…"_

And now I've lost it all. I lost it all because I had to push myself in that stupid case. I know you told me to back off, everyone warned me not to press so deep into it, but once I stop…You know I can't stop.

But we didn't have enough. We didn't have enough for the case, just like we didn't have enough time together.

_"…And she combed your hair, and she kissed your teeth…And she made you better than you'd been before…She told you bad things you wished you could change in the lazy summer…And she told you, laughing down to her core, so she would not cry as she lay in your lap…She said, "nobody here can live forever, quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer"…"_

You were always there to comfort me after a hard case, but where are you now Olivia? You're probably asking the same of me, I know.

You told me about your past, about how you came about and your reason for joining SVU and never in my life had I felt so close to you. I wished I could have helped you but I really was glad to have you in my life Liv, too glad.

Then I think one late night, when we first met, you told me something else that has haunted me more than anything any perp has ever said. You told me that we all get lost among the files; we're just names to the city, even if we serve it.

It scares me to know how true that statement has become; I know in a few days, I will be nothing more to most than a name.

_"…But you've already lost…But you've already lost…But you've already lost…When you only had barely enough to hang on…"_

I wandered around my new town today, Liv, it scared me. I wanted you be there to hold my hand and tell me everything would be ok, but you weren't there. I had nothing of my old life; they wouldn't let me keep anything.

I did fight them for one thing though, the necklace you gave me on our first anniversary. I'm hoping the _'Fearlessness'_ emblazoned on it will give me a taste of your fearlessness.

_"…She said, "no one is alone, the way you are alone"…And you held her looser than you would have if you ever could have known…Some things tie your life together, in slender threads and things to treasure…Days like that should last and last and last…"_

I wish I had known that it would get so out of hand…If I did, I would have told you…I would have told you that I loved you too. But I didn't want to rush into anything, I was foolish, Liv, so foolish, so blind.

_"…But you've already lost…But you've already lost…But you've already lost…When you only had barely enough to hang on…"_

I don't like to think that I've lost the memories and time I had with you. I would like to look to forward to a time when I can return to you, then I won't let you go.

_"…Hang on…Hang on…Hang on…"_

So hang on, Olivia, I'll be back soon. I promise you.

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Chappie 2 down! Alrighty, R&R please! The more the merrier! Ha-ha.


	3. Slow Decay

_Dusk and Summer _

Disclaimer: I don't own Law and Order: SVU, though I really wish I did…And I don't own Dashboard Confessional, I just love their music.

Summary: Post _'Loss'_, reflections on pre _'Loss'_. If you don't like femslash, don't read it.

Ch. 3 – Slow Decay

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_"Stand down, start resting easy…You've done your service, I am proud to have you home and see you safe, it's so good…You look so strong in that picture on the mantle you sent your mom when you were gone…But you look scared now, hollow eyed…"_

You're back. I can't believe you're back and you still haven't come to see me. Why are you doing this to me?

You know it hurts, damnit Alex, I know you've seen me too, because I've seen you also. You've seen the hurt in my eyes.

You're scared. Well so am I.

_"…When are you coming…When are you coming back where you belong? I swear that it's safe here, there's nothing to fear at all…Come on back where you belong, the pressure releases if you just let down your guard…"_

I still have all your things, right where you left them. Nothings changed. You can come back; you don't have to hide anymore.

You don't have to hide from me Alex; I know you better than anyone remember? And I love you more than anyone remember?

Please come back.

_"…Everything rests on you…You know that feeling well, the ball is falling…Falling, falling, so far from a close call…Your injuries aren't mortal wounds…The only thing that's killing you is what you saw…What you couldn't stop…But you're not the one I blame, it wasn't your mistake…You're safe now so come home…"_

Well I guess I can't force you, you're still Alex Cabot. No one could force you to do anything, even when you knew the dangers involved.

But I don't blame you. You couldn't have known that Velez would've called that hit on you and your family.

But now that Velez is dead and you're back and safe, shouldn't you come home?

_"…It's the simple things, I'm not hurt, I'm not dead…I just should be, where my friends are lying…And I didn't hate those that I killed but they're all dead now…But I'm here alive with satellites and Friday nights…And no one to judge me for the things that I've done and all…So how can I live with that?"_

I'm not hurt physically, but I'm dying mentally.

You weren't here to tell me when what I was doing wasn't right, that I shouldn't have killed that rapist, that I shouldn't have switched out of SVU because it's where I belong. Tell me I belong somewhere.

_"…Back where I belong…Back where I belong…Back where I belong…Back where I belong…Take me back where I belong, you swear that it's safe here…There's nothing to fear at all…Take me back where I belong, the pressure releases…If I just let down my guard…"_

Please take me back Alex.

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Third chappie down, how many to go? Who knows? Keep R&Ring and you'll get more. Now, click that little purple button in the left corner…Yes, you know you want to…


	4. Don't Wait

_Dusk and Summer _

Disclaimer: I don't own Law and Order: SVU, though I really wish I did…And I don't own Dashboard Confessional, I just love their music.

Summary: Post _'Loss'_, reflections on pre _'Loss'_. If you don't like femslash, don't read it.

Ch. 4 – Don't Wait

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_"The sky glows…I see it shining when my eyes close…I hear your warnings but we both know…I'm gonna look at it again…"_

She can't stand this waiting. It's eating her up inside. They can all see it, why can't Alex?

So one day when Alex waltzes into the squad room and throws down the warrant they had been waiting so desperately for, Olivia snaps and reaches out before the blonde can get away.

"Alex, wait."

_"…Don't wait, don't wait…The road is now a sudden sea…And suddenly, you're deep enough…To lay your armor down…To lay your armor down…To lay your armor down…"_

Alex freezes, goose-bumps racing across her skin from where the brunette's hand has come into contact with hers after so long.

"Yes Detective?" She asks, trying not to sound as shaky as she felt.

"We have to talk." Olivia whispers and leads the stunned blonde toward the crib.

_"…You get one look…I'll show you something that the knife took…A bit too early for my own good…Now let's not speak of it again…"_

"Olivia, please make this quick, I have work to do…" Alex stutters as Olivia closes the door and turns to her, eyes blazing, "O-Olivia? Is, is something wrong?"

"Yes, Alex, something is wrong." Olivia growls and it sends a blush across Alex's pale cheeks. "I can't wait for you anymore."

"What?"

_"…Don't wait, don't wait…The road is now a sudden sea…And suddenly, you're deep enough…To lay your armor down…To lay your armor down…To lay your armor down…"_

Olivia groans and sits down heavily on one of the bunks, running a shaky hand through her tousled hair. "Alex, you knew, before you left, how I felt for you and you told me after the Velez case that we would talk. And now you're back, and this is the first time we're talking, alone." She shifts her gaze up at the blonde, "How can you not see that something is wrong here?"

"Olivia…" Alex whispers and moves, like old times, to comfort her but is pushed away when Olivia stands again.

"I mean, really, I've done everything I can to show you that I'm ready to talk, but you've done nothing Alex." Olivia shakes her head and moves toward the door. But she stops, and turns, pulling the silent blonde to her.

_"…Don't wait, don't wait…The lights will flash and fade away…The days will pass you by…Don't wait…To lay your armor down…To lay your armor down…To lay your armor down…To lay your armor down…To lay your armor down…"_

Alex doesn't move as Olivia leans in and presses a feather-light kiss to her lips. Alex wants to respond but the brunette is gone as quickly as she came.

"You know where to find me, I guess, whenever you are ready to have our _'talk'_." Olivia mutters as she heads back into the squad room.

And Alex is left alone again, wondering how long she was going to have to wait until she could get Olivia alone again.

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Wow, chappie four already? Somebody slow me down! Ha-ha. R&R! Use that little purple button in the left corner…C'mon, you know you wanna! Do it, do it!


	5. Reason To Believe

_Dusk and Summer _

Disclaimer: I don't own Law and Order: SVU, though I really wish I did…And I don't own Dashboard Confessional, I just love their music.

Summary: Post _'Loss'_, reflections on pre _'Loss'_. If you don't like femslash, don't read it.

Ch. 5 – Reason To Believe

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_"Oh, sweet lungs don't fail me now…Your burning has turned into fear…That trails me in my every step, I'm moving quick but you're always on my heels…"_

Alex was restless the rest of the day; her thoughts remained solely on Olivia's chaste kiss. It was burned into her memory, her lips.

Sitting at her desk, she gazed off into space, reliving the moment between herself and the detective. It would not stop.

She had to get out; she left work early, and headed straight for the precinct. She strode confidently in, her heart trailing behind.

_"…Just one more breath, I beg you please…Just one more step, my knees are weak…My heart is sturdy but it needs you to survive…My heart is sturdy but it needs you…"_

As Alex drew closer to her target she felt her breathing come out faster, her knees were giving out beneath her, her heart was pounding in her head.

"Hey Alex, what's up?" Elliot asked, hearing the blonde's heels clinking across the tiled floor approach. He only looked up when she didn't answer. "Alex?"

She was hovering over his partner's desk, her cerulean eyes glaring a hole into the back of Olivia's head, "Olivia, I need to speak with you."

The brunette turned, gave a polite smile and said, "I'm a little busy right now Alex, maybe later?"

"No." Alex managed to breathe out huskily, "We need to talk, now."

_"…Breathe, don't you want to breathe? I know that you are strong enough to handle what I need…My capillaries scream, there's nothing left to feed on…My body needs a reason to cross that line…Will you carry me there one more time?"_

This time Alex leads Olivia toward the crib, shutting the door silently behind her as Olivia turns and demands, "What do you want, Alex?"

Alex, with her hands still on the door, took a deep breath and spun on her heel, turning to face the angered detective. Her hand still behind her on the doorknob, she gave Olivia a once-over.

"Alex?" Olivia asked again.

Alex took another deep breath, praying she could cross this line this time.

_"…Steady lungs, don't fail me now…I feel you bursting, but you won't let me die…Fill me up with every step…I'm feeling sick, but I'm leaving it behind…"_

The blonde took one step towards Olivia and paused, reaching out to place a hand on the brunette's waist. She pulled her closer, hoping to get her point across without saying a word.

"Alex? Are you ok? You don't look so good…" Olivia muttered, taking in the paleness of the blonde's skin in the dim light.

"I feel just fine."

_"…Just one long breath I beg you please…Just one more step you are not weak…My legs are sturdy but they need you to survive…My heart is sturdy but I need you…"_

Alex pulled again, this time pressing herself against Olivia, and whispered, "I'm really sorry about the earlier…I never meant for that to happen…"

"Meant for what to happen?" Olivia growled, "That cheap kiss? Yeah, sorry…"

"No, you walking out before I could kiss you back." Alex whispered gutturally, making Olivia lose her breath at the look on the blonde's face.

_"…Breathe, don't you want to breathe? And know that you are strong enough to handle what I need…My capillaries scream, there's nothing left to feed on…My body needs a reason to cross that line…Will you carry me there once more?"_

"Alex, no, please…" Olivia muttered, turning away, "This isn't funny anymore. I waited three years for you to come back so because I hoped we could continue…"

"The talk we had that night." Alex finished, nodding. "I know Liv, I know."

At the use of her nickname, Olivia felt a shiver race down her spine; she didn't know how to react. All she could remember to do was breathe.

Alex, seeing the brunette pause and take deep, slow breaths, seized her opportunity and leaned in…

_"…I have reason to believe that I have victories to taste…I can feel them on my teeth, upon my lips and in my chest…I can roll them on my tongue; they are more supple than defeat…I feel the tension in my lungs and every move is fueled by my resolve to…"_

Their lips met slowly but surely this time, Alex instigating her tongue to brush against Olivia's lips. Olivia whimpered and let her in.

Alex could feel her breath releasing; Olivia on her lips, teeth and against her chest compelled her forward, urging her to taste…

_"…Breathe, don't you want to breathe? I know that you are strong enough to handle what I need…My capillaries scream, there's nothing left to feed on…My body needs a reason to cross that line…Will you carry me there one more time?"_

"Wow." They both whispered at the same time when they pulled away.

"That was…" Olivia moaned, resting her forehead against Alex's.

"Incredible." Alex whispered breathlessly. "Yeah, I know."

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Alrighty, chappie number five, good for me! Ha-ha. The next one will be up soon I think.


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